Friday, May 16, 2014

Review: Godzilla

Okay, okay, so listen. This movie was awesome.

I mean, get this. These guys are digging in the ground and they're like "Holy shit! We found a skeleton!" And down there they found some scary shit... like ALIVE shit! Confirmed by the Japanese dude (it's a Godzilla movie there's gotta be a Japanese dude). Then they cut to a shot where it was veeeeeery clear SOME... THING has escaped and is gonna tear shit up!
That's when Walter White shows up and is all like, "I'm a smart guy who knows something isn't right." But his wife is all like, "Quit stressing out. Let's just take it easy cause it's your birthday." So he was all like, "Yeah you're probably right. I'll just ignore the inevitable that you'll be dead in a few minutes." Should have listened to instinct buddy. Cause next thing you know he's at his power plant when it falls apart and his wife was in the wrong place at the wrong time. TOTALLY BLOWS FOR HIM! But totally sweeeeet for setup. Cause this means he gets to grow up to be a crazy guy. But before that...
...his kid grows up to become a Channing Tatum look-a-like. And his son married an Amanda Seyfried look-a-like. So it's like the couple in Dear John had a kid together and decided it would be awesome to live in a world with monsters, which they're right. It looks like they're living a happy life especially since Channing's home from overseas duty. But of course his now crazy dad fucked up back in Japan (oh yeah, chan-chan grew up in Japan, that's where the power plant was and that's where Walter White still is) so now he's gotta go get him out of jail. And this all came up just before Chan and Sey-sey were about to do the ba-donk-a-donk for the first time in 14 months.

So Chan gets to Japan and rescues his dad from jail. That's when he gets a face full of crazy back at his dad's apartment. An apartment wallpapered in more crazy than a cuckoos nest. He starts blabbering on about signals and earthquake-like stuff and conspiracies and so forth and so forth. Well of course his dumb son thinks he's just a crazy guy. But dumb-dumb is still convinced by crazy dad to go back to their old house where the power plant collapsed an there's a ton of radiation. It looks totally awesome cause it's like a scene out of Fallout 3... minus the twist of no radiation. It's here they find his old data on 1990s floppy disks (Never underestimate. Those things once held Optimus Prime's memory, bringing him back from the dead).
Of course they get arrested cause that's what got Walter White arrested in the first place. But before they get them to jail they are held in the fallout of the power plant where there's a giant, flashing, night club cocoon. Cutting to the chase shit goes down, they try to kill the cocoon, and then the Cloverfield monster with wings comes shooting out. Bam-ba-blam he tears it up and flies away.
Cut to Hawaii and Godzilla shows up for round one of an epic battle! Cloverfield is all like "RAAAAAAR!" and Godzilla's all like "RUUUUAAARRR!" They throw each other around until they both retreat leaving a pile of rubble behind and a ton of survivors thanks to the fact the little girl on the beach was the only smart one to realize they needed to run.
Cut to Nevada and we find out there's another Cloverfield monster. Only in this case it's a sexy female Cloverfield monster. That means they're gonna get Cloverbusy and the world will be overrun by Cloverbabies. Godzilla saw this and he's all like, "HEEEEEELL NO!" except it sounds more like "RUUUUAAARRR!" So they lay the smackdown on each other.
So Godzilla's like, "Get outta here or else you're dead!" and Cloverfield is like, "Leave my woman alone!" but then Cloverlady is like, "Leave my babies alone!" and the military's all like, "What the hell's going on?" but the other military guy was like, "Shut up and get the bomb!" and then it was boom, bang, ROAR, pakeeewww....

I don't mean to spoil the whole movie but it was an amazing smack fest that Rolland Emmerich should be forced to watch Clockwork Orange style as his formal punishment for the 1998 atrocity.

1 comment:

  1. Dear sir, you are outta your funking mind and I funking love it.